welcome home...

7 hot dusty days camping in a dried up lake bed at the foot of majestic mountains has the ability to clear your head of the clutter.

ever since the first time i heard about burning man, i've wanted to go. the one-two punch of testing your personal limits by camping with just what you can pack in combined with the eye-popping art made right there on the playa appealed to a core part of me.

when my cousin, andrew, talked to me about going and camping with his group, pandora's lounge and fix-it shoppe, i seriously thought about going. i knew, however, that going and knowing only andrew would not be an option for me. andrew's a super-fun guy, but andrew's also a super-busy guy at burning man...in addition to help run the camp and fixing bikes in the shoppe, he volunteers and works a lot. i knew i had to find someone to go with and i had the perfect person in mind and that was my friend, kim.

kim is a sculptor, potter and avid camper. she would appreciate the art, not be too freaked out by the craziness and i knew we would have a good time together. so i asked her, she said, "yes," and the months of planning began.

fast forward to september 1, 2009 when we winged our way along with a new friend, cheryl, to reno, nevada to start our adventure.

the first day was full of travel, car rental snafus and driving...not to mention the fact that we still had to set up our tent, get our beds put together and eat some dinner. tuesday was a very full, tiring day. the next morning when we woke up kim and i decided that september 2 was our real first day and made a fresh start right then and there, putting the travel-day blues behind us.

every day is like a lifetime on the playa. you go to bed at night and try to remember everything you did during the last 24 hours and your mind reels. how could you have packed so much sensory overload into just 1,440 minutes? it was impossible, and yet, it really happened (and i have the pictures to prove it).

at times i wished i could go home. on wednesday in the twilight of the sunset i asked myself why i had come on this journey. the experience was testing my emotions in a way i had not expected. i didn't feel comfortable (tent camping can be physically taxing), i was face-to-face with things that in the real world would stop me in my tracks (nudity is quite common on the playa and as open-minded as i think i am, at first, the sight of both women's exposed breasts and men's nudity freaked me out). i wanted to be able to gain as much as i could from this trip, through all of my senses, but at times i was paralyzed by my surreal surroundings.

friday during our morning ritual of walking to center camp to get coffee, kim and i decided to sit on the dusty couches and listen to the music. mamuse was the name of the two women who were peforming at sunrise. their voices were soothing. it seemed as though their melodies were softening the hard part inside of me that had needed tenderness. i silently cried throughout their set, connecting with the answer i had the night before been looking for.

i had come to burning man to leave the worry of being sick behind. for the past five years i've been consumed with near constant thoughts of illness. approaching my five-year cancer-free anniversary in december 2009, i was often worried that i would not reach the date. then, last year, i was diagnosed with a connective tissue disorder and i felt my health was out of my control. this trip was taken on the pretext of traveling before i was unable to tackle such a difficult undertaking. when the temple burned on sunday night, i knew i was leaving all of my worry and self-doubt about my health right there in the ashes of the temple on the floor of the lake bed. i was not going to pack that to take back with me.

two weeks later, i am still worry-free. i'm not naive enough to think that i'll never worry again about my health. as a matter of fact, i experienced a flare up of my condition immediately upon returning home. blame it on the near-constant sun exposure, or the fact that i rode my bike miles and miles every day, or the most likely contributor to my ability to get through the week while in the midst of it -- i had no other choice! but the worry is no longer a needling, whiny voice in the back of my mind, egging me on to live fearfully.

when you arrive at the greeters' gate at burning man, the greeter asks you if you're a first-timer. upon hearing that i was, the greeter asked me to get out the car, smiled a huge grin, hugged me to her so tightly and cheered, "welcome home!" looking back, i know that going home to burning man made it possible for me to let go of my worry. here now, sitting in my real home, i am able to write about how i am reaping the rewards this mind-altering experience afforded me.

love letter to the man
(a poem i typed in the middle of the playa on a vintage royal)

hippies, freaks, spirits

all of us sharing this

crazy dusty ride

couldn't conceive of it (really)

before i arrived...

now that it's almost over,

i may think it was a dream.

donuts...

i love donut shops. donuts, however, are not my favorite, unless of course, they're homemade. and when i say "homemade" i mean made from a roll of cheap-y pillsbury biscuits patted flat, hole pushed through the middle with my thumb, deep fried in hot, hot crisco to a golden brown and then dredged in pure cane sugar. if there was a donut shop that sold THOSE donuts i'd be there in a new york minute. my gram taught me how to make them and they are seriously the most delicious things to come out of breakfast skillet, hands down.

more than donuts, though, i like donut shops. please don't think i'm referring to anything other than independent, mom and pop shops. those other things that call themselves donut shops are straight-up lying. those double-letter-titled imitation stores (yes, krispy kreme and dunkin' donuts, i'm looking at YOU) are nothing more than tarted up versions of a pure classic.

my grandpa used to drive to midtown on sunday mornings to california donuts on jefferson avenue and pick up the most amazing assortment i've ever seen. opened like a jewel case to reveal shimmering jellies and glittery glazes, that box never disappointed all of my eight year old senses. have you ever eaten a warm, raspberry jelly filled donut? don't like jelly? okay, how about a donut on which the sugary covering is still oozy from the fresh dip it's just taken in the glaze bath? yes, that's what i'm talking about.

california donut, sadly now in a state of disrepair and abandon.

did you think i was kidding?

yes, i'm back again.

thanks to everyone who left comments and made me feel welcome and not like a ding-dong for being gone for so long. that was nice of you.

here are some of the things i think i've learned from nathaniel's first semester in college:

1. we did a pretty good job raising nathaniel (i think we already knew that) but it helps when your kid is able to assess what could have gone better in a given situation. it gives a parent confidence that the foundation the three of you built together is strong.

2. i like to cook. i am a good cook. i don't like fish sticks and blue box macaroni and cheese and i never, ever will. ina garten is my new superhero. (note to self, must learn how to cook for two!)

3. we need to work out (see number 2, above).

4. i am deeply in love with my husband (i already knew this too), but after the raw, new-ness of nathaniel's absence wore off, we settled into couple-dom again and it is wonderful.

******

i will post some pictures of a few finished objects very soon. i can't wait to share with all of you again!

hello there...

i am still here, for those of you still interested or checking (hi, kim!)

nathaniel's first semester is behind us and the second semester is well under way.

my empty-nest tender heart has healed (mostly).

i plan on being more present here and re-connecting. emotional hibernation is sometimes necessary, but now it's time to wake up and get going.

fourteen days...

that is how long it's been since we dropped off a 6 foot 2 inch behemoth of love at school. it has not been as difficult as it was that afternoon in his new bedroom...he asleep on his brand new bed (which he put together himself), me clicking away an entry to all of you, dear blogosphere. the change was so close, the transition so imminent. the worst moments were when there was nothing to do, no task to tend to, no books to purchase, or administrator to speak with. when it was just "being" was when the division felt deepest.

now, us here and him there, it's starting to feel a bit natural (which i know it is). we are enjoying our time together, which we always did. we are trying out new dinner dishes. we are taking walks. we are trying to get into a pattern...we're very big on patterns here at the pod.

and i know just as soon as i get into a groove something will come up and i'll need to re-adjust (just like when were new parents and you'd come up with some ingenious way to help the baby stop crying like singing a frank sinatra song and then *poof* it stops working and you have to come up with another survival tactic). but all of this adjustment is good for me -- being too set in my ways breeds boredom.

two more weeks and i'll have this whole thing figured out...i think.

cha-cha-cha-changes...

the three peas are in the midst of transition. hundreds of miles away from home are we and living under separate roofs. college life has begun. the youngest pea in an apartment home and the two older peas in a suite hotel. i have a feeling this is most difficult for me, but still challenging for the men in my life. chomping at the bit to gallop toward independence is nathaniel and pulling back in tiny, minute ways on the reins am i and kelly somewhere in the middle encouraging everyone to embrace the next phase of our lives.

i tried to convince nathaniel that he needed a toilet brush. he and kelly finally convinced me that that was a decision to be made by nathaniel and his roommates. i relented and internally cringed at what a bathroom shared by two eighteen year old boys could look like by winter break. i guess he'll appreciate home that much more and perhaps finally realize what it takes to keep your living space neat and tidy.

also, i'm worried about food, but already there have been many opportunities for a free meal, so i guess he won't starve.

we leave here in two days...165 pounds lighter. the missing weight, though, could make my heart heavier than it's ever felt.

thank you, internets

in august 1985, i had just returned to the united states from traveling for months in mexico and central america. hungry for an authentic taste of home, i rode the greyhound bus from indianapolis to st. louis to visit my grandparents. after a few days with older adults, though, i was longing for the companionship of a peer. i immediately thought to call ellen -- one of the women with whom i had traveled in mexico. i knew she lived in st. louis and phoned her to catch up. we immediately fell into easy conversation that would outstrip my grandparents’ view of what an appropriate call length would be so we decided to meet. problematic because neither one of us drove. a friend of ellen’s offered to give her a ride.

ellen stepped out of the passenger side of a lemon yellow 1976 mustang. from the driver side emerged the tallest redheaded drink of water ever to grace the streets of south st. louis. that was the very first time i ever laid eyes on kelly wallace. two years later, almost to the day, kelly and i were married.

just last week i got an e-mail from ellen. she had found me through my blog. she was going to be visiting family in st. louis (having moved out east many years ago) and asked if we would like to get together. we made plans for tuesday night.

thinking back i calculated that it had been at least twenty years since ellen and i had seen each other. when she stepped out of the passenger side of the rental mini-van i could see that she hadn’t changed one bit. her peaches and cream complexion was still flawless; her eyes were clear. after we’d hugged i could tell too, that her manner was still just as easy-going and open. of course, much has changed.

we’re both married now. we’re both mothers. if you stepped back twenty-two years and imparted these two facts alone to my former self, you would have successfully blown my mind. love was an elusive and mysterious emotion back then. relationships were hit or miss and much more often miss than hit. naturally, at that age, everyone is just trying people on for size and fit, making mental lists of must-haves and deal breakers as we move through our sentimental fumblings.

but when i look back on the first afternoon i spent with kelly i can remember all the things that remain true to this day and immediately made me feel connected to him in a way that i’d never felt before…he was immensely generous and kind, he was funny, he had a great smile, he liked to make physical contact with the person he was speaking with, and he had the bluest eyes i’d ever looked into.

this entry is a thank you note of sorts…a thank you to the internet for bringing ellen back into my life and a thank you to ellen for needing a ride twenty-two years ago.

a little notebook...

i carry a little notebook in my purse. it always comes in handy. remembering to jot down something i need from the store on my way home, writing down someone's phone number, or an idea that pops into my head.

lately, though, it's been about lists.

lists of things that need to be cleaned or straightened.

lists of things that need to be repaired around the pod.

lists of fun things to do with kelly this summer since it's just the two of us now.

and there's another list but this one's just been living in my head and if i don't get them all down they're going to flit away like a daydream you almost forgot to remember...a list of all the things i want to learn how to make. an apron. a shirtwaist dress. a pair of summer pajamas (shortened though to capri length), a pair of linen capris (i know how to sew, but i want to sew smarter...actually take my measurements and figure out the correct fit BEFORE i start cutting into the fabric and, oh yeah, i want to learn to sew knits. has anyone used this book? i want a hoodie, and to make some tees.)

oh, and i also want to paint some large canvases for my walls and paint a mural above my headboard and make some new felt pieces and my head's full of ideas for new jewelry.

my mojo has been mysteriously missing, people. and now that it's back, i need to get crackin'.

an update...

what has lured me out of hiding to update you, my fine devoted readers?

no, not the presidential race...

no, not a comment on the price of gas...

but, yes, a post to mark the day that i realized i am aging. my eyelids have begun their slow acquiescence to gravity. i looked in the mirror and realized a smudge from the eyeliner framing the edge of my upper eyelashes has worked it's way onto my upper eyelid...it's just a hop, skip and a jump until my hands look like my mother's and i'm complaining about how my knees hurt.

hey kids...that ball is mine now. it went into my yard and now it's mine.

maui dreaming...

the weather forecasters are all abuzz with the incoming snowstorm. i've heard accumulation predictions ranging from 6 to 10 inches. i love snow so any amount is good to me, but i'm not getting my hopes up. i can't tell you how many times i've banked on a snowstorm only to wake up disappointed to see clear sidewalks. i began my love affair with snow at an early age and the emotion has never waned.

that being said, i do not love the cold. i adore sweater weather but downright cold is bracing and abrasive. it cuts right through me.

hence, the picture above...adrift on the ocean, whale-watching, 80 - 85 degrees with a southerly wind in our faces. i would go back to hawaii for every vacation if i could...it is just that special.

for now, though, this picture and my memories will have to keep me warm.

it was so odd...

last night i arrived home from knitting, changed into my jammies and plopped down on the couch to knit with some of lesley's new handspun yarn, eat ice cream, and watch cashmere mafia.

but before all of that can begin i can tell, from nathaniel's room i am being beckoned. in the background, behind his itunes music is what sounds like a podcast from a teen girl website. he's not logged on to the internet and there are no icons on his desktop that tell us what this is or where it came from. of course, it's a virus. thankfully, the virus scan finds whatever little file was causing the weird girl-talk.

while i tried to figure this out though i was half-listening to the podcast. wow...am i ever glad i'm not in middle school or high school anymore. to think i EVER thought about what boys thought about what i wore or how my hairdo affected my likeability factor. ick.

then i went into the living room to catch up on the show...only to be confronted with the reality check that all of the gals on "mafia" were concerned with what boys thought about what they wore and how their hairdo affected their likeability factor.

no, we really have not come a long way, baby.

it's official...

i'm old.

this morning i sat at my desk and wielding my scissors i cut out a mini-article about lipid reducing foods. i figure it's only a matter of time before i start cutting out garfield cartoons and sending them to nathaniel with a note: "saw this and thought of you...i know how you love lasagna!"

day one...

2007 wrap-up

seen: 43 movies...my top five picks are (in no particular order): once, knocked up, the king of kong: a fistful of quarters, juno and sweeney todd. my five least favorite movies are (also, in no particular order): hot rod, bill, ghost rider, license to wed and the host.

attended: i only went to one concert this year, the ditty bops. these chicks are fantastic. check them out if you like lilting tight harmonies and clever lyrics. i also went to lots of roller derby matches.

knitted: i finished both the purple monstrosity in noro something or other and i began and finished a button-less cardigan out of rowan tapestry. i completed five pairs of wrist warmers, a pair and a half of baby socks, a bib, three scarves, three purses, a pair of mittens, and two pairs of sockettes.

read: 12 books...hmmm, one per month -- not too bad, but i sure wish i'd read more. maybe in 2008. fave book of 2008 (and probably on the top ten list of all time faves) the time traveller's wife by audrey niffenegger. if you haven't already, please read it so we can talk about it, okay?

accomplished: i completely cleaned and re-organized the basement. although i didn't achieve my goal of painting the floor or the furniture so it coordinated, i feel like i can cross this off of my list, because it was a great undertaking and once done, made me feel so much better!

2008 goals

resolutions: eat healthier, practice yoga more, have a more positive outlook, love deeper, live in a more focused way.

goals: keep organized, knit from my stash, knit four pairs of socks, paint the bathroom, sew at least three dresses from my vintage pattern collection, get ready for christmas all year long

predictions: that's for me to know and you to find out! actually, the three peas write them down each january 1 and don't look at them again for 365 days when we eflect on them on new year's eve. nathaniel's from 2007 were right on target. mine were about 65% accurate and kelly's were, as usual, very silly.

hope your 2008 is everything you hope for. i love fresh starts, don't you?

gone in a flash...

i say it every year and every year it rings more true -- time passes so quickly.

let's celebrate tonight. tomorrow we'll clean like the dickens and write a great post with a bunch of year-end wrap-ups and resolutions. it's not a new year until we do those year-end little tasks.

and i know i'm a dork because one of the things i look forward to the very most is writing all of the birthdays, anniversaries and important dates in my new datebook. how boring and virgo-ish it is...but it makes me indescribably happy.

as 2007 draws down to it's final moments, here's hoping you are finding joy in the little things too.

see you in 2008!

v-a-c-a-t-i-o-n...kind of...

it's that time of year again. time to hang the ornaments, wrap the presents, bake sugary sweets and....have a colonoscopy.

three years ago i got the greatest christmas gift a girl could dream of - a clean bill of cancer-free health. each year since i've celebrated by getting a colonoscopy to keep the good vibe going.

and my christmas gift to you, dear reader? a reminder to schedule your screening colonoscopy if you have a family history of colon cancer or are over the age of 50 or are experiencing symptoms (you can go here if you're unsure what might make you eligible to for this test). please do that as a gift to me, okay? colorectal cancer is the third most common occurring cancer. it happens equally in men and women. good news? it's very easy to cure with early detection.

so for the next two days i'll be at home, crossword puzzling, reading, preparing for my test, and thanking my lucky stars for my continued good health. after that? i'll be enjoying the holiday season, knitting, sewing, watching rudolph the red-nosed reindeer and eating marshmallow frosted cupcakes. i may check in here, i may not, but don't think you're not all in my thoughts...especially since so many of you have kept me in yours for the past 1,095 days.

here's to a relaxing, sparkling, joyous holiday!

i love snow...

merry, merry, merry from the three peas!

change...not a big fan...

last night we finally made one of the final steps into the 21st century...we installed high speed internet. up till now, we've had dial-up and that was starting to wear everybody out.

but with the new internet access we also have a new e-mail address and well, everything that's tied to that e-mail address, hmmmm, like this blog and n's facebook and all of the college info we get via e-mail, well, that all has to be updated. some of the updates are going smoothly and some are not...

i keep sending test comments to myself...and then i tried to access my new e-mail from the office just now and it says i don't exist (those are not the exact words, but drilled down to their real meaning, that's what they mean).

so please bear with me, dear readers. as a rule, i don't like change (as evidenced by my blog set-up...same for years), so this transition is tricky for me.

p.s. i re-read yesterday's entry and i can only blame my recent lack of sleep or caffeine deprivation on the state of that entry. yea! WOWZA...write much, heidi?

sincerely...

if you scroll way, way down at the bottom of this screen you will see my little site counter. just now i noticed that it has surpassed 20,000 hits. who knows who my readers are? i know many of you in real life. i'm sure there are some that come and visit and don't come back again. that's expected because i do that too...start down the rabbit hole and find myself at someone's site that i simply adore, forget to add it to my favorites, close the window, and then **poof** never do i find it again. then there are few folks out there that i didn't know visitors then i see them out and about and they'll talk to me about something i've only written about here, not any where else in my life and then i know they're queen for a day devotees.

any way you come to be here, i'm grateful for you. thanks for reading what i write, liking what i make, and then taking the time to tell me about it.


sincerely, you all mean a lot to me.

******************
and for you know who, here is a link to two of my newest daily reads

brooklyn tweed - the photos alone are a good reason to visit, but there's also wonderful knit items, links to tons of other great knitters and his writing about his own handspun is almost the push i need to try my hand at it...not quite, though.

knitty.com - the winter issue is out and it is chock full of goodies. there's a section on spinning too. very nice!

smooth...

although i don't think i'm susceptible to advertising, of course, i am. info-mercials are hilarious, but they also appeal to some animal instinct inside my brain. it's as though the false enthusiasm starts to ring true after the initial two minutes of hilarity wears off. and so that is how i came to be the owner of foundation garments by kymora. i was lured in by their promises of "free" extras (all i had to do was pay shipping and handling), and the "guaranteed" promises of inches off.

yesterday, my little miracles arrived in the mail. i was so busy after i got home from work, that i waited until this morning for a trial run. and now, here i sit at my computer, tighter, firmer and smoother than i was yesterday at this time, but, admittedly, a bit less comfortable.

for those of you who know me in real life, i am tall and appear slender, but am large-framed with a boyish, straight up and down figure. these slenderizing wonders were obviously manufactured for the woman possessing a semblance of a waist, of which, i have none. so although i now can sport the vintage 1970's tomato red stewardess dress with fitted bodice (which is what i have on today), underneath i feel a tiny bit constricted.

i suspect from historical experience with these types of garments that by 5:00 p.m. today i will edit the words "tiny bit constricted" to "being squeezed to death by a boa constrictor."

and to those naysayers (kelly, i hear you!) who say i look fine, i only have this to say: my reflection in the full-length office bathroom mirror is all i need to remind me that this is the best money i've spent on shipping and handling in a very long time.

hmmm...

see that wreath pic i posted down there? yea, it's sideways...i do not have vertical blinds on my front door, and that's how i figured it out. oh well, still pretty, i think.

i have (again) decided to stop reading the newspaper (i read on-line) and listening to local news. i know that bad things happen every day, but once i've read them or heard them and those nuggets of information have entered the curlicues of my brain, i cannot un-read or un-hear them. i'm not in denial, really, i just want to surround myself with positivity and it's far too easy to get mired down in the negative.

instead i am working hard in the studio on some felted composition book covers, pink and green christmas ornaments for my silver tinsel tree and knitting this shawl. it will be 2011 before i am finished, but i am using it as reward knitting...when all of my other chores are complete i knit one repeat (about an hour for the twelve rows).

happy monday, my sweeties!