hello there...

i am still here, for those of you still interested or checking (hi, kim!)

nathaniel's first semester is behind us and the second semester is well under way.

my empty-nest tender heart has healed (mostly).

i plan on being more present here and re-connecting. emotional hibernation is sometimes necessary, but now it's time to wake up and get going.

fourteen days...

that is how long it's been since we dropped off a 6 foot 2 inch behemoth of love at school. it has not been as difficult as it was that afternoon in his new bedroom...he asleep on his brand new bed (which he put together himself), me clicking away an entry to all of you, dear blogosphere. the change was so close, the transition so imminent. the worst moments were when there was nothing to do, no task to tend to, no books to purchase, or administrator to speak with. when it was just "being" was when the division felt deepest.

now, us here and him there, it's starting to feel a bit natural (which i know it is). we are enjoying our time together, which we always did. we are trying out new dinner dishes. we are taking walks. we are trying to get into a pattern...we're very big on patterns here at the pod.

and i know just as soon as i get into a groove something will come up and i'll need to re-adjust (just like when were new parents and you'd come up with some ingenious way to help the baby stop crying like singing a frank sinatra song and then *poof* it stops working and you have to come up with another survival tactic). but all of this adjustment is good for me -- being too set in my ways breeds boredom.

two more weeks and i'll have this whole thing figured out...i think.

cha-cha-cha-changes...

the three peas are in the midst of transition. hundreds of miles away from home are we and living under separate roofs. college life has begun. the youngest pea in an apartment home and the two older peas in a suite hotel. i have a feeling this is most difficult for me, but still challenging for the men in my life. chomping at the bit to gallop toward independence is nathaniel and pulling back in tiny, minute ways on the reins am i and kelly somewhere in the middle encouraging everyone to embrace the next phase of our lives.

i tried to convince nathaniel that he needed a toilet brush. he and kelly finally convinced me that that was a decision to be made by nathaniel and his roommates. i relented and internally cringed at what a bathroom shared by two eighteen year old boys could look like by winter break. i guess he'll appreciate home that much more and perhaps finally realize what it takes to keep your living space neat and tidy.

also, i'm worried about food, but already there have been many opportunities for a free meal, so i guess he won't starve.

we leave here in two days...165 pounds lighter. the missing weight, though, could make my heart heavier than it's ever felt.

maui dreaming...

the weather forecasters are all abuzz with the incoming snowstorm. i've heard accumulation predictions ranging from 6 to 10 inches. i love snow so any amount is good to me, but i'm not getting my hopes up. i can't tell you how many times i've banked on a snowstorm only to wake up disappointed to see clear sidewalks. i began my love affair with snow at an early age and the emotion has never waned.

that being said, i do not love the cold. i adore sweater weather but downright cold is bracing and abrasive. it cuts right through me.

hence, the picture above...adrift on the ocean, whale-watching, 80 - 85 degrees with a southerly wind in our faces. i would go back to hawaii for every vacation if i could...it is just that special.

for now, though, this picture and my memories will have to keep me warm.

i love snow...

merry, merry, merry from the three peas!

an adventure...

first off, let me say that everything is okay.

yea, you parents out there know that phrase is actually code for "something bad happened...but don't you worry your pretty little head about it". and the bad thing is...13 days ago my son got his leg broken in soccer practice.

because he is an overachiever, it was a massive break...both bones...both compound fractures....compartment syndrome that needed to be surgically addressed by fasciotomy (WARNING...this link is NOT for the weak hearted)...you know...a gigantic painful mess.

before...



after...



two surgeries, four days in the hospital and a week at home recuperating -- we are now returning to the semblance of normalcy. we are all back to work and school. now the fun really starts.

when kelly and i have faced challenges in the past, we've always tried to maintain a "hey, isn't this adventure going to be fun?" kind of attitude. usually, at least in our estimation, the challenges had not been too taxing...for example:

question: how do you get two adults to work and a toddler to daycare with one car of which the clutch is going out?
answer: it's an adventure! and, bonus! we can come up with ways to bend the space-time continuum to get everyone where they need to be on time.

question: what happens when the drive part of the transmission goes out, but the reverse part still works?
answer: drive in reverse, silly!

not all of our adventures are car-related (okay, a lot of them used to be), but we always worked it out. this situation, however, has proven more interesting than any other we had faced previously. and, in addition, now we were dealing with a teenager -- an independent teenager who was quite used to taking care of himself and controlling his own destiny. imagine the implications, if you will.

so the three peas are adjusting, to say the least, and growing in ways we didn't think possible, to be generous. but it is all working out...each day gets a little bit better than the day before. there are setbacks, but those are to be expected. we are learning to enjoy small and large victories whenever we can (nathaniel was elected homecoming king a week and a half after the accident and was able to attend homecoming to receive, and proudly wear, his crown!)

but mostly, in this year of "lasts" (last halloween before college, last homecoming dance, last EVERYTHING before college) i am seeing this adventure as an opportunity to cherish the time i get to care and nurture my son back to 100% health. seeing my way clear to that end, though, has proved to be difficult as we are all frustrated and teetering occasionally on the edge of despair, but still i try to focus on the positive.

home is where we let our guard down. the outside world may never see us crumble, but within our own four walls, we can relax. often that deep exhale is accompanied by a flood of tears or a primal scream from our toes or a hysterical laugh that cannot be understood by anyone other than family. that is where we are these days -- putting our best face forward and coming home to unclench our jaws and help each other walk again.

careful, i think his bow tie is really a camera...

kelly and i got married pretty young. i was 21 and he was 25. at the time, i thought that was perfectly okay, but when i look at nathaniel and realize that if he were me, in less than five years he'd be hitched, i hiccup a bit. but all things being equal, i'm glad we married when we did. i don't know of any advantage we would have gained if we had waited. i loved him. he loved me. we already lived together. why not marry our fortunes together (or at least kelly's small savings account to my substantial student loan balance)?

kelly forwarded this article to me the other day. it speaks to many of the things that kelly and i have experienced throughout the years.

neither one of us was set in his/her ways to the extent that hindered us from easing into sharing our living space. in no small way, we grew up together. and then three years after we tied the knot, we brought our son into the world.

for quite a while, we were one of only two married couples in our circle of friends. and it was even longer than that before anyone else we knew had children. in a way, we were the trailblazers. it also isolated us a little bit -- made us more reliant on one another. because as much as i focus on all the positive, there were detractors from our union. we shared the firm conviction that we were going to do this thing and nobody was going to be able to say, "i told you so." so, and i think this is due in no small part to being young, we didn't let anyone else see it when we argued or felt perched on the edge of the unknown. i mean, who else could we ask for advice? we were the first.

in many ways, we're still the first. our son is poised to fly out of the nest next year, and that is filling me with unfamiliar emotions. kelly is planning for a retirement from his first career and is thinking about what his next will be.

ch-ch-ch-changes!

in one week we will celebrate our 20th anniversary. i can't believe how far we've come and i feel like we're still just starting on this adventure.

it rained on our wedding day. they say that's good luck. i believe them.

$8.75 + $8.75 + $7.75 = $25.25...

the three of us went to see the bourne ultimatum last night. it was packed with action -- fighting, car chases, quick shots. everything you've come to know and love about jason bourne.

(oh and by the way, does anyone else think that joan allen has freakishly narrow shoulders?)

anyhoo...

there we are sitting in the quiet dark of the theatre. the previews are about to start and in walks a man and a woman, and i think to myself, "is that man holding a newborn baby?" and right then, kelly says to me, "are they bringing a baby to a 7:15 movie?" and then the couple and their newborn baby sit right behind us. yes, right behind us.

we go to evening movies rarely, preferring to spend our money on, i don't know, groceries. we usually go to matinees or early movies where the price is discounted. so it's a splurge to go to a movie at a "date" time.

the baby was pretty good, but it was a baby and, well, it made baby sounds and did cry at one point. then the person sitting next to nathaniel cracked every one of his knuckles (each of the three knuckles of each of his fingers), and the phone belonging to the person on kelly's left rang.

there's not much you can say or do in this situataion to dissuade the offenders from engaging in rude behavior. i am a big "shush-er" to talkers in movies, but i don't know how to handle the baby/phone/knuckle situation(s).

in an ideal world there would be an elaborate fine system, not unlike a swear jar, where the person who disrupts the movie has to pay a pre-set amount based on the offense. the management then would divvy up the "pot" among the other patrons.

i think for yesterday's movie debacle i and my family are owed approximately 58 cents each.

just wrong...

don't ya think?

discovered last saturday in illinois on a sojourn to the drive-in. a wonderful day that started with a late lunch at a st. louis landmark, crown candy kitchen (mmm, chocolate banana malt!), a trip antiquing and vintage clothing shopping (kelly found a pale pink super beaded cardigan in perfect condition and talked ME into buying it!), and then we found an illinois goodwill store that had old albums we had never pawed through and episodes of lost in space on VHS. who could ask for more?

oh, and last night? kelly took me to joe's cafe (bill cristman's studio) that is only open on thursday nights. i don't think there are words to describe this place. imagine a surreal dream of neon and giant advertisements mixed in with a circus-y vibe, a wiener wagon, a cave of darkest dankest beat poetry goodness and live music and you'll not even come close.

this was after we saw a great musical, once, at the tivoli. we were lucky to catch it since last night was the very last showing of it, but when it comes out on dvd, i HIGHLY recommend this sweet sad film. oh, and did i mention we had a delicious dinner here? there is very little, tastebud-wise, that can make my toes wiggle in my shoes like the vegetarian spring roll, sesame noodle, vietnamese coffee combination.

tonight, if you're looking for something to do you could go dance the night away at the grand opening of cherry bomb/retro 101 at 2114 Cherokee Street featuring the music of hudson and the hoodoo cats and the vultures or go see this or this. maybe we'll see you. and tomorrow night? i'm going to be getting my fill of roller derby.

if you say there's nothing to do in st. louis? you're just not trying hard enough.

and, by the way, when did i turn into julie, your cruise director?

nathaniel, chance, c.j....

this photo was taken using an underwater camera. we had leftover shots on it from the snorkel/whalewatching trip in hawaii.

i have a love/hate relationship with baseball.

i love to watch nathaniel play first base. when i see his 6' 3" frame stretched out to catch a throw out, i am busting at the seams.

i hate to watch him pitch (even though he's very good at it) because there's too much pressure on him when he plays that position.

this season has been challenging. the team doesn't boast but one senior and four juniors. some of the boys on the team have never before played baseball...never thrown a ball or worn a baseball glove or fielded a grounder or judged a pop fly to the outfield, not to mention held a bat and stood in the batter's box facing down a pitcher who is throwing 80 mile per hour fast balls inches from their body.

there have been some shining moments...like when the rookie right fielder caught a stinging hit like a football, cradling it in the bread basket and then breaking into a beaming smile. but, more often than not, the team has suffered some crushing defeats. i think pro coaches would label this a "transition year."

next week is the end of the regular season, followed by a trip to the district tournament. historically, the team has never made it out of the first round of this tournament and we don't hold out much hope for this year either. but even with all of the trials this season has presented these boys with, they continue to show up ready to play a game they love.

next year will be nathaniel's last baseball season of high school. this is a year that will be marked by many "this is the last"s. and i'm really feeling nostalgic and soft and tender. so whether i feel nervous when he pitches or proud when he makes a great play at first or hits a line drive over the second baseman's head (or doesn't do any of these things) i want to be there to see it. everything could possibly be the last...even when it isn't.

more maui...

at the summit of the waihee ridge trail

i can safely say that this vacation was my very favorite of all time. in my way of thinking it was the perfect blend of doing and relaxing, a delicate balance indeed.

four years ago we went to hawaii and spent so much of our time island-hopping we barely knew which island we were on at any given moment. but, of course, on that trip we got to see flowing red-hot lava, the southern cross and ride in a jeep perilously close to the edge of a cliff looking for amazing waterfalls to swim in.

this time we promised ourselves it would be different, and it was.

there was lots of beach time.

there was whale-watching (absolutely amazing) and snorkeling (i swam with giant sea turtles over a coral reef with tropical fish fluttering around my head).

there was hiking above the clouds, above even where the tourtist-filled helicopter flew into the valley. i conquered my fear of heights and made it to the summit.

there was resting (i read an entire book in one day lounging under a giant shade tree overlooking the ocean with a view of the neighboring islands of molokai and lanai).

there was the consumption of tropical drinks.

there was fabulous food (oh, to have just one more serving of macadamia nut encrusted opah).

there were too many rainbows to count...horizon to horizon ones, sometimes double!

there was a romantic starlit walk on the beach.

but, far and away, one of my favorite moments could have occurred anywhere, it just so happened to be on the lawn of our hotel. while i relaxed on a lounge chair, lazily reading, i watched my boys play catch in the fading pink light of the afternoon. nathaniel has been playing baseball since he was four so "catch" has been a big part of his growing up years. but this time, my heart was touched so, that i began to quietly cry. it was definitely a "sunrise/sunset" batch of tears.

as we gathered our belongings and walked in the breezy cooling air to ready ourselves for another spectacular sunset before going out for another fabulous meal, i reached up and squeezed nathaniel's broad shoulders and told him how much i loved him. his skin was sunburnt and warm. "i love you too, momma."

perfect, perfect vacation.

what i did on my spring break...

"we're gonna take a surfin' safari..."

thanks to mark from goofy foot, i stood up long enough for steve the mighty photographer to get this shot of me showing off my mad surfin' skillz. don't be fooled, mostly i just drank the ocean. but it was a great time!

i heart hawaii!

more soon...

w.b.w.

these ladies make me think of a 1960s version of the pussycat dolls.

****

true confessions...my newest guilty pleasure is "the search for the next doll."

a family debate was launched based on last night's episode during which mikey, the choreographer, chastised one of the girls for being too sexy/trashy/pole dancer-y.

nathaniel (yes, we watch with our 17 year old son) pointed out that the entire point of the pussycat dolls is the sexy dancing. how can something be too sexy? i get that something may be too raunchy, nasty and raw, but this girl's moves were no more slutty than any of the other performers, sometimes even less so.

note to readers: if you've tivo'd/taped this episode, spoiler alert (yea, like anybody but the wallaces are watching this show!)

for the elimination event the contestants performed dance/vocal routines in the pussycat doll lounge. and what is prominently featured on both sides of the stage in the club? you got it -- stripper poles. the girl who had been reprimanded numerous times for her go-go girl ways was eliminated. personally, i think they were just looking for an excuse to get rid of her.

but the much more interesting conversation we had was about those folks who hold the pussycat dolls out as role models for young girls -- women of empowerment -- women who take charge of their own sexuality -- women who do it on their own terms -- women who take back sexy dancing from the private realm of men and take it mainstream, putting it out there for everyone to see and enjoy in a non-threatening, "wholesome" way.

okay, admittedly, i'm biased as a former women's studies major, but really, can this be the angle the creator of the pussycat dolls is going to use to try to convince the american public that this group is anything more than what they are? the pussycat dolls used to be JUST a dance group. it's only been in the past few years that they've gone mainstream and added vocals to their repertoire. so perhaps the sheer act of legitimizing the sexy dancing genre is going to remove the "skank factor" and make it less porn and more pure entertainment. who knows? the trend seems to be to take it even more risque than less. of course, there's always the possibility that the course will self-correct, but i have yet to see any evidence of this happening. have you? it's like there are two diametrically opposed ends of the spectrum...the far christian right and the way out "more skin is better" camp. the middle ground seems to be shrinking.

does it sound like i'm sitting here typing this dressed in a high starched collar, long-sleeve blouse with a floor length skirt and button boots? i'm not. i don't 100% eschew sexuality, but i do cringe when it's used overtly (we could talk for hours about subliminal sexual messages -- i'm a self-proclaimed expert on that subject) to sell. in my opinion, it's a thin line between explicit sexuality used as a marketing tool and prostitution. i know, i know, that's a huge leap in logic, but the basic tenants of using sex to make an income are simple.

phew... i got dizzy when i climbed down from that high, high soap box.

anyway, nathaniel said that even if all of the above is true, that one would be hard pressed to find men who would say that they don't enjoy watching women dance suggestively. and it simply doesn't matter to men the motivations proclaimed by the women. sexy dancing with noble motives is still sexy dancing. and further, women will watch other women dance suggestively. therefore, the net can be cast much wider for an act with these talents and the appeal is greater. that's why the pussycat dolls are popular...men want to be with them; women want to be them.

you gotta love a teenage boy that can state it so succinctly.

8:09 a.m.

seventeen years ago at 8:09 a.m. nathaniel reid wallace popped into the world.

i feel blessed and lucky to have gotten on this amazing carnival ride called parenthood. one minute you're up, then down, then upside down and a bit queasy and light-headed, but with an ear-to-ear grin on your face.

nathaniel is a joyous human -- quick and witty, tall and strong, deep and sensitive...all in just the right combinations.

thank you, nathaniel, for being born. you have been the greatest gift to your father and i. you are the most momentous event we have ever attended and i, personally, can't wait to see how we all turn out.

give and take...

i went to the movies two times this weekend.

on saturday morning kelly and i saw "music and lyrics," the new movie with drew barrymore and hugh grant. first off i want to say that, thankfully, all of the clever things about the movie were not revealed in the previews or the 1,001 commercials i've seen for this movie. drew barrymore is expressive and adorable and, although a tad bit too young for hugh grant, was a good match for him in the movie's setting. and hugh? what can i say, but, "wow!" he has so many great lines, throwaway lines really, that made me laugh right out loud. i loved this movie and it made me feel good, which is always a pleasant bonus.

now, on sunday, the family saw "ghost rider." what can i say? nicolas cage, you can chew up some scenery, so you were the obvious choice for a character that nightly has to endure turning into a flaming motorcycle-riding leather chap-clad skeleton, but outside of that pitch perfect piece of casting, the movie left me wanting, well, an actual movie. and eva mendes must have the hardest working publicist/manager in show business because outside of her prominently displayed breasts, and MAN HANDS, she was having difficulty mastering the nuances of the ex-girlfriend of said flaming bone-dude. she was terrible...pure and simple. the plot? you ask...what with the contract with the devil and the hiding of a bigger contract with the devil and the devil's son wanting the bigger contract because of the sheer power of it all and the other water, air, earth devils causing so many distractions...not to mention a should have long been dead sam elliott character who tried to explain it all, i was not intrigued, impressed or compelled to try to figure it all out. thank goodness it was only four bucks a ticket.

so now, you, dear reader, get to try to figure out which movie was my choice and which was the boys'. i guess it's a no-brainer.

finally...

after making one scarf i decided i was ready for socks.

i got this book. i bought the recommended yarn at a now defunct local yarn store (LYS) and tried the simplest pattern in the book. i cast on no less than eleven times because i didn't yet understand how to knit in the round. but besides that, wow! that pattern was hard; a lot of knit two purl one-ing was going on and i gave up.

then i saw this post and fell in love with the yarn and dear miss alicia said she had made them using a pattern from a martha stewart magazine. but i already had the blue yarn from the cast off (pun intended) vogue socks so i made the ones from the martha stewart mag with the blue. and, never being one to take a hint, i decided to try the vogue pattern again with the new neopolitan yarn. either i was daft or that pattern is poorly written, but i ripped out the entire thing -- even after i turned the heel. cast on with the neopolitan yarn for the martha pattern, finished one sock and then took about eleventy billion years to even cast on for the second one. when i did, this happened. i thought maybe it was a sign. i thought maybe these socks were never meant to be. but i perservered and now look...

the first sock probably took two weeks to knit. the second one took less than a week. but all together it took me almost a year to knit this one measly pair of luscious socks.

and in my copious amounts of free time, i made this for my honey. please welcome "lovebot 86."

easier said...

this weekend we went to visit a college nathaniel is interested in. none of us had ever travelled to this part of the state and we didn't know where there was a great place to spend the night. so we looked in the brochure from the college and chose based on 1) availability, 2) proximity to the college, and 3) price.

on friday night, when we pulled into the parking lot of the motel, i was immediately concerned. this was not a hotel, it was a hot-sheet no-tell. we were directed to a separate building with a series of connected bungalow type rooms. we walked into the room and i noticed right away there was no heat. in addition, the room was not clean...did not smell clean...was in no way, shape or form clean. i told kelly i didn't know if this was going to work for me. he reminded me it was just for one night and told him i'd think the whole thing over at dinner.

dylan, a a friend of nathaniel's, and his parents checked into the joint right after we did. we went to dinner with them and the friend's mom was also not too interested in staying the night in this establishment. the dad's talked it over, checked around the small town and secured alternate lodging arrangements at a well-known hotel chain.

we drove back to the dive and loaded up our belongings into our vehicles. the dad's entered the office to speak with the manager.

dylan's dad tossed the room keys on the counter and with a complete lack of emotion in his voice, stated, "we're going to need a refund."

the manager asked, "is there a problem?"

dylan's dad responded, "the wives are not happy."

refunds were promptly given.

those five words -- the. wives. are. not. happy -- apparently can convey a volume of information.

slippery...

ice on the holly tree...january 13, 2007

i took a trip to garden ridge last night to purchase some baskets to house my ever-growing yarn stash. the baskets were buy one, get one 50% off. so, of course, i got two. i never imagined that there would be enough yarn to fill both of the baskets. and of course, there was yarn enough and a few skeins on the side.

it's a dangerous thing letting your spouse actually see the yarn that has amassed in your stash. i could see kelly scanning the situation and mentally noting that both baskets were full. i suspected that his mind was already working on processing that fact. in a bold, decisive, preemptive move, i stated, "i'm not going to buy anymore yarn until some of this is used up."

now some may say that my declaration was asinine...there's no way i can go on a yarn diet until a project is finished. but i beg to differ. i can do anything that i put my mind to.* so to help me accomplish my goal, i arranged the baskets in order of project to begin next.

i put the purple sweater that will never end on the top of one of the baskets so as soon as i finish my legwarmers that will never end (can i say how much i hate knit 1, purl 1 rib? it really slows down my already turtle-like pace!) i will take up the purple sweater and get it off the needles for good. then there are the neopolitan socks that i really do want to wear before the weather gets warm again. how hard can one sock be to finish? one is already completely done! then there is the yarn for many, many felted bags and those always work up so easily and use up so much yarn. one of the baskets is bound to be empty by the end of february, right?

but here is the conundrum...this weekend i will be spending quite a bit of time in the car. i can get a lot of knitting done in the car. with some straight lite up needles i could knit in the car at night. problem is, all the yarn i have is for projects that are worked on circular needles. you see where i'm heading right? do i get a head lamp and work on one of the existing projects on circular needles or do i get a bit of yarn and lite up needles to work in the car at night?

i imagine kelly reading this post right now...he is asking the computer screen why i can't just nap in the car like "normal" people.

*kelly and i had been married for about a year. i wanted to start a family, but kelly was concerned about expenses and how we'd be able to afford another mouth to feed. he told me if we could save up $2,000 that we could start our family. at the time i was working at a department store making a little bit more than minimum wage. i also got a hefty discount. i'm sure kelly thought that the challenge would be more than i could achieve given the fact that i often left work with purchases. oh, but he was wrong. a little less than 6 months later i had managed to squirrel away more than the $2,000. never say i cannot rise to the occasion.

giving thanks...

water tower, ha ha tonka state park

thankful for a mini-break with my guys, hiking in missouri's scenic state park to ruins of a turn of the century stone castle, for clear cave fed streams, for movies, for the meals we shared, for good music, for sunshine and warm weather, for being here for another glorious year.